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Blooming on Dead Wood

“When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she always had been. But she had wings.” ― Dean Jackson



I planted a Butterfly bush last year and this year the yield of brightly colored winged-ones has been a true joy. I try and seed my environment with symbols of change, to continually reinforce my belief that metamorphous is always possible, and that transition is the nature of life itself.

My father moved in with us in late March, and he is moving into his new apartment in a couple of weeks. He is in the middle of great change, and this morning we had a conversation about trying to go back to the actual environments where we have experienced a sense of peace and tranquility. For me, it was in Cabot, Arkansas, where I lived as a kid.

Up until I was 15 years old, I thought that I would live in Cabot for the rest of my life, my parents would grow old there and that often wished for sense of safety (which is always accompanied with mundaneness) would be my future.

Life had different plans....

In one week, I learned that my parents were divorcing, my brother and I were moving to Little Rock and attending a private school, AND we found my dog dead near a creek that ran between us and our neighbor's house. It was a pivotable time for me. Mundaneness went out the window, along with my belief in the possibility of life not changing.

I discovered that my suffering was tied to this idea that change was bad after a few months of shock. And I believe my body decided to take me on a ride where change would be front and center for the rest of my life.

What to do? Resist the lesson and continue to suffer? Or embrace the change and learn to navigate with wings instead?

I swear I think I grow a new set of wings every year...metamorphous isn't a one time deal. Changes allow us to continue strengthening our wings, but eventually, your wings give out and it's time to grow another pair.

Life has a way of handing out experiences where you can choose to fly or stay grounded.

A few years ago, Shayne and I moved back to Arkansas, thinking we could capture what we left behind us years ago...childhood friendships and that sense of safety and peace. I mean, we were of a certain age, right? No children...maybe it would be good to be around those that have known us for years and years, and we could settle in for this last half of our lives in a place where we had rooted before we learned how to fly.

Not surprisingly, we came back as Butterfly's surrounded by lots and lots of caterpillars. We were seen as weird...we were not the same people dressed in older bodies.  Drinking hot tea instead of Lipton's sun tea in the middle of the afternoon was commented upon as...peculiar. Our tea moment around those that had never left, never leapt from their place of birth was a pivotable experience for us, and we started laying the groundwork to take flight again.

The previous longing I felt for rootedness where I had rooted before started to feel more like having my feet tied up with invisible fishing line...a tangled mess with no hope of untangling. I started to realize I was going to have to cut the line to be really free.

One thing that I observed during a weekend reunion of sorts was the part that alcohol seemed to play in the lives of those that never left. Have you ever seen a bucket filled with sea crustaceans? The ones that try and climb out of the bucket are always pulled back in by the others too afraid to make a break for it.

That image of crabs grabbing for the legs of those trying to rise up nagged at me while I was there.

I watched them as they greeted each other with, "You haven't changed at all!" like that was a good thing. The stench of staleness was palpable in their words and actions. Many seemed to be in a  rush to don beer goggles to soften and distort the reality that we were not in the bloom of our youth.

Do I believe it is possible to grow and change if rooted to the same spot year after year?

You bet...but you have to cut off of the dead wood to do it. I'm not advocating against staying rooted in the same spot...I'm advocating for growing where you happen to be regardless of how long you have been there.

Who are you right now? What if you couldn't remember who you were or how you were perceived by others before you had your eyes opened to the gift of change and transition?

My Butterfly bush will be cut down to the ground this fall and next year will grow into an entirely new bush. I think we can do that too...drop what you were and learn how to experience yourself as all new growth instead of trying to bloom on dead wood year after year.

I'm constantly tending to my inner garden, trying to determine where the dead wood is and eliminating it. It's very difficult to cut off a branch that I've become accustomed to having attached...but the new growth that is sure to arrive quickly erases my unease about cutting it off.

Our environment has the answers if we are willing to stop and listen to what it is trying to teach us.

Have a nice flight, butterfly!


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#umberdove

I see me in you...

   your warm, brown eyes,

       twinkling with the promise of new discovery,

                 craving contact with the flying angels that surround us,

                           but often ignored when 'life' becomes busy and rushed.



I see me in you...

      your calloused, stained fingertips,

             itching to bring to life your latest discovery,

                    about how life is a series of cycles endlessly looping,

                          and bringing new perspectives with each level of understanding.


I see me in you....

         your open and gregarious nature,

               eager to share your discoveries with others,

                      about how we are all connected, and that time

                             is a precious commodity that demands attention and gratitude.


I see me in you...

          your wide, natural smile,

                eager to express your love for others,

                      about how we are all living light and that love
             
                            is the glue that holds us all together in this blue orb

                                   called home.


                   Soar, Dove, Soar....and thank you for showing us how to fly true.


Kelly Clark had that rare ability to reflect back to us the best in ourselves...to show us what our own potentiality can be. 




         
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Pretty, Shiny Things

I started making jewelry again this week after yet another set-back. I found myself in the Emergency Room a couple of weeks ago with severe chest pain.

I was nervous about it having something to do with the surgery, but it looks like it was a recurrence of an old chest injury I did to myself last year after helping Shayne lift up some sheet rock.

The Emergency room doctor thought a virus could also be responsible but we will never really know. I feel pretty sure that it came about because I started feeling my oats and bit off a lot more than I should have chewed...I know that it was debilitating and disheartening.

I still have limited energy to do much, and on the days that I have to work even a short shift, I conserve my energy so that I can be vibrant and helpful while I am working. I have had alternating periods of feeling really frustrated, to just giving in to the way I feel and resting if I need to. Mom said it would be 6 months before I really feel like myself again, and I believe her now that I am almost 3 months post surgery.

This summer I have busied myself making areas for sitting and resting much more cozy and beautiful since that has been my focus. My front porch is now a little bird sanctuary where I can drink my coffee and watch the sweet winged ones come and go, squabbling and chattering, whistling and chirping to me, the neighborhood cats and each other. I am discovering the personality of my land...the little ones that inhabit this 1/2 acre are extensions of my family now...and I have a morning routine where I feed and water the birds, and take down raw peanuts and corn for my neighborhood crows.

I am fascinated by corvids...always have been. They are so smart...and devoted to their family. I call out, "Hey Crow-Babies," and they are usually waiting for me to appear with their morning treats down on our second tier. I love that they no longer fly away when they see me coming, and watch me spread out their morning feed on the ground. I bought a pretty, shiny silver scoop that carries their food down the hill. From what I've read, it is largely a myth that crows collect and hoard shiny things, but I am hoping they associate that bright scoop with me carrying it as a friendly sign.

I have a serene screened porch, almost like a treehouse, that has needed some loving care in the furniture department, so I bought some deep seated chairs and an ottoman for ultimate comfort. Shayne and I will enjoy sitting out there during all the weather changes...I am truly living a dreamy existence with my living space merging into my yard.

I have the day off today and plan on making jewelry for at least half of it. I'm still being patient with myself,  holding myself back a bit so that I can continue to make progress without any setbacks. I am finding I have energy for just one thing a day...working at the store, or working at home. But not both yet. Still have to work up to that...and nap when necessary.

My neighbor had a birthday while I was recuperating and I made her these simple, shiny hoop earrings. I love them...pretty, shiny things have never been as important to me as they are now. But shiny is typically associated with newness. I am looking at my world with fresh eyes, looking for new opportunities for connecting with others as well as myself. I think that is the emphasis for me this year...freshness and consciously creating a supportive and thriving environment for me as well as those that find themselves in my company.

I am very behind with my accounts and updating my shop. I am hopeful that will soon be remedied.



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How to get a full night's sleep

Do you suffer from lack of sleep due to a racing mind?

As you may recall, I decided about 6 months ago to take on a part-time position with a local health food store, and it has turned out to be one of the best decisions I could have made because of all the great information and people I am exposed to weekly.

I enter into many conversations with customers about problems sleeping because 'their minds won't turn off' and the incessant loops of thoughts keep them up at night, or, they can fall asleep, but they wake up with this loop of thoughts preventing them from going back to sleep.

We all have thousands of thoughts moving through our minds daily...some of them are really mundane, while others are profound.

I've found that if you are not pulling out the mundane thoughts, like unwanted and scraggly weeds, your thought-garden gets too clogged up to allow the profound and life-enhancing thoughts any room to grow and go to seed.

But how?

One method that works for me is dumping what I hear in my head on paper for about 25 minutes and then throwing the paper away.

What do I mean by dumping what I hear in my head?

Literally, for 20 or 25 minutes, I sit at my dining room table with a pad and pen, and write down what I 'hear' going on in my head. I don't judge the words, I don't try and think about what I am writing. I just get out the random thoughts.

If I am nervous or tense about something, I usually do this exercise at night before I turn in.

For example:

Did my heart just skip a beat? Is that ok? What do I need to make for Cam's next dinner so that she doesn't have to worry about cooking while she is getting to know her new baby? What can I use instead of aluminum foil so she can reheat a Mexican casserole in the oven? What can I do to get rid of the hundreds of curly worms in the basement? Does that weird smell in the basement have anything to do with the worm bin? Did Shayne feed the worms this week? Do I need to let him know where to plant the new Hydrangia? Do I need to tell him how deep to dig the hole? Should we amend the soil? 

And this goes on and on for 20 more minutes as you watch where your mind goes, and what is it is currently preoccupied with. I usually crumple up the paper after I am done and just throw it away.

Sometimes a question or observation will pop up that needs more attention, but usually the stuff I am worried about, or that is on my mind, are things that will be taken care of when the present moment has the energy and inclination to deal with it.

Once those thoughts that keep you up at night are weeded out of your mind, you can sleep.

The looping happens because you are habitually thinking about things that you most likely have no control over in the middle of the night, and they just need to be pulled out and briefly examined.

I often find that the answers to my looping thoughts will quickly come up to the surface once I give them a little life on the page.

I believe it has something to do with acknowledging them...like a little kid that is constantly trying to get your attention. Once you acknowledge the thoughts...they quieten down and stop aggravating you to tend to them.

Over the years, with this practice, I have noticed a profound peace as it pertains to the chatter in my mind. By pulling out the weedy thoughts, I have developed a sense of trust that the answers to my questions will be answered when the time is right.

Now I trust I will know what to do when the situation that I am worried about actually shows up in my physical experience.

This also helps you cultivate within yourself a deep sense of patience. With patience, trust in the natural flow of life happens naturally and your mind relaxes and stops provoking you to pay attention to it.

When I first started experiencing long periods of time where the voice in my head was quiet, it was startling. It happened rather spontaneously about 5 years ago.

I remember calling my brother wondering whether or not I was beginning to experience dementia. The chatter in my head was silent!

When I was living in Chattanooga, I was first introduced to this practice of writing down what you hear in your head and leaving it on the page.

After doing it for a while, I noticed that my sense of worry about the future diminished greatly, and I was able to focus on what was immediately in front of me instead of projecting thoughts into the future.

By remaining present, and focusing on what is immediately in front of me, my future has taken care of itself, and I find that I am for the most part, happy and content with a sense of deep fulfillment. I laugh a lot, and feel much more grounded.

If you are plagued with a mind that likes to poke you while you try and sleep, I hope that this little exercise helps you get your sleep back...stay with it and watch what happens!

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Showing My True Colors

Dragonflies and Damselflies are very ancient with estimates of having been around for over 180 million years. They have beautiful, jewel-like colouring. The bright colours take time to develop, reflecting the idea that with maturity our own true colours come forth. This is part of dragonfly medicine. --Ted Andrews



I was in my backyard this afternoon and spotted this Damselfly just resting underneath the canopy of a large tree stump  that used to be an oak tree that has sprung back to life this summer. Actually, I put a roof on the stump so it is also my fairy house, so finding her there was especially nice!

I happened to have my phone with me and caught this beauty resting before the next rain shower.

I looked up the Damselfly to see what teaching it has for me, and I found the quote above by Ted Andrews from his book, Animal-Speak.

Now, this quote especially rang true for me because I belong to a group of women on one of my social media accounts that help support each other as they transition from coloring their hair to letting their natural silver threads crown their heads.

I am smack dab in the middle of going dye and highlight free, (it's been 7 months since my last color treatment) and on the forum a woman was bemoaning the fact that she is now considered 'old' by our culture's definition of it.

I decided to respond here today, as this has been on my mind regarding aging and how I feel about it, especially as I am of an age when it would have been natural for me to be a grandmother by now.

Frankly, I've thoroughly enjoyed the process of watching my body change, along with my mind.

A few years ago, my mind went quiet. I am pretty sure it was related to some hormonal shifts that naturally occur at menopause, but I remember very clearly where I was when I noticed that my mind wasn't chattering away, and I was able to focus much more intently on what was in my immediate environment instead of being someplace else...like back in the past or in the future.

Shayne and I were living in Jacksboro, TN in a lake house we were renting, and I was out taking a walk with Sadie down on the shoreline. It occurred to me that my mind was quiet. It was just like it used to be before I started puberty, and I could lose myself in my surroundings.

I remember calling my brother, because in that moment I realized that my mind had been very quiet, for days...was I showing signs of some sort of early dementia?

I wasn't...and after talking with my brother we realized that it was just another doorway one can choose to open as you age into living more in tune with your environment, and my former raging hormones were no longer influencing my day-to-day life.

Ladies of a certain age...if you have transitioned out of your hormone influenced mind, do you recall how much of your life was spent thinking about the minutia of looking attractive, sounding attractive,  wondering about love and drama and how the two mix?

I don't care to be sexually attractive anymore. I don't give a shit about that. I want to be humanly attractive. I want my appearance to serve as a physical signpost that I'm someone that wants to go into deeper and more meaningful conversations with everyone that I meet in life...not just my husband, family and friends.

I'm interested in expressing my whole self..not as a woman looking for a boyfriend, husband, lover or whatever. There is a big difference. Those of you that happen upon this post that haven't transitioned yet may not understand the subtle difference that I am writing about, but you will.

There is a pause for sure...although some women choose not to pause, reflect and contemplate how they are different once their body's shift. Some choose to stay on the train...and that's their right as human beings with free will. But I chose not to...I got off the train, found my own track and am living the reality my body lives in.

Does that mean that I am advocating just 'letting myself go?". No, I'm advocating taking exquisite care of yourself, wearing what you want that brings you a feeling of love towards yourself. Joy comes in color...that I am sure of. Joy is bright, lively, loud and proud.

I've been working with silver for many years. I love oxidized silver because I could age it by giving it a patina that highlighted the marks and textures of my designs.

I think I've been exploring aging via my jewelry for many, many years. Texture, scars, stories etched in my skin and face...it's part of the package when you are gifted with a long life.

Oxidized silver is neutral in that you can pair it with any color and it will look fabulous. It doesn't matter if its warm or cool in tone, bright or pastel.

Working with silver has taught me that it is the perfect background for any color I want to use with it.

And that is why I believe Spirit turns our hair gray as we mature. It's so that we can express ourselves with all the colors in the crayon box and still look fabulous.

It's about dropping your limitations and expanding into limitlessness.

Here's to finding your true colors as you age...

XO!

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My Story: Pushing Instead of Waiting #2

This is a series of posts sharing about my journey into discovering my Human Design Mechanics. They are numbered, and you can find a list of this series on my sidebar under My Story. 

When I decided to leave the boating world, I moved back to my home state of Arkansas. I reconnected with an old boyfriend I had all through high school, and thought it 'was time' to settle down and 'get serious' about my life.

I remember, at 25 years of age, feeling this intense pressure to stop traveling and enjoying myself doing what I absolutely loved; and instead, go to college, get married and get busy with starting a family.

Looking back at that time...it wasn't what I really wanted to do; it was something that I felt I was supposed to do.

That is called conditioning, and we all are conditioned in certain ways for behaviors and decision-making that are not really coming from the core of who we are. Even though my boyfriend was an amazing young man, he started trying to control what I said or shared with those that we started to form friendships with together as a couple.

He didn't have much curiosity about what I did for those few years I traveled, who I met or where I traveled. He wanted to pick right up from where we stopped when I was 19 or so, which felt disempowering to me at the time.

We stayed together for a few months, then broke up when we determined we had grown too far apart, and I found out he was still in love with his ex-wife.

I was devastated, and confused about what to do next.

I remember going to the bookstore and picking up one of those self-help books about making the life you want by setting goals and pushing for the what you want.

What I really wanted was to experience the synchronistic lifestyle that I lived for those few magical years while I was traveling; but again, I didn't understand the mechanics about how I had achieved that at the time.

Now I know.

I am designed to respond to life, not initiate things. If I want to experience something in particular, it is not so much up to me to decide how that comes into my life, but I wait and see what I respond to and that wanted experience happens in such a way that far surpasses any expectations I might have tried to form.

When I push, or initiate action when not in response, I run into all sorts of problems.

I decided at that time in my life to pursue a career in sales. So I pushed, pushed, pushed according to the principles in that book I bought.

I thought I wanted to sell cosmetology products to salons, since I had been trained as a hairdresser right out of high school, and I approached a company that used to call on the salon I worked in a few years earlier.

The owner said he was going to open up a sales territory in Memphis, TN and that he would hire me to get it going. At the time, I thought pushing was working out in my favor!

I took out a small loan from a bank to pay for the move, and moved into an apartment in Memphis to start my new job.

A few months later, my boss informs me that the company is folding up and that my services were no longer needed. I was out of a job in my new city; I had a loan payment and fairly high rent to pay and I was absolutely alone.

In my loneliness, I decided to initiate action to get a dog from the pound. I went to the pound, and fell in love with a skinny mutt that looked like a little fox. I took her home, and a week later she was dead from undiagnosed distemper.

By this time I was really panicked. I couldn't find a job and I had bills due. So, I hawked anything and everything (which was not much)  I had so that I could pay my rent. The only thing I had left in my apartment was an ironing board and my bed, and I used the ironing board as my table.

It was a terrifically low point in my life. I lived next to a really nice neighborhood and would often walk around it, dreaming about living in a home with furniture and not feeling terrified about how to take care of myself.

At this point, I was feeling the crunch of bills needing to be paid, and without a college education or any marketable skills for dry land, I decided to approach restaurants and try and get a waitressing job.

I landed one, and ended up in a relationship with someone that was a customer that turned out to be another disaster. I was married to him for a year, and ended up leaving him when I realized that it wasn't normal to be timed when I went to the grocery store to see if I was out screwing someone else.

I remember leaving Memphis and throwing my wedding ring out the window as I was crossing the Mississippi River, determined to try and figure out where I went so wrong. What was I doing that made life so hard after experiencing a life that was so easy and effortless?

What was the secret sauce?

I have been looking for the answer to that question for myself for 30 years. A couple of years ago, I was introduced to a system that immediately resonated with me and that system of understanding yourself is called Human Design. 

I am a being that is designed to live in RESPONSE to what life brings me, and not initiate.


By responding to my environment and waiting for opportunities to come toward me instead of me chasing them, life works with a rhythm and synchronicity that feels more like floating down a river and enjoying the ride and view, instead of paddling upstream, exhausted and frustrated because you are going nowhere.

I learned early in my adult life that pushing and initiating didn't seem to get me far. I recognized it, but didn't know what to do about it.

I felt like something was terribly wrong with me because I wasn't seeing the same sort of success and satisfaction from my life that my some of my peers and family were...it was a difficult time for me before I was 30.

 It was an intense time of trial and error...seeing what worked and what didn't, trying to figure out why I was having such extreme experiences! And why was I always moving? My life up to that point was also about moving...moving...moving!

Before I left for the boats, I lived in Chicago and several other places in Arkansas. My life was in a constant state of flux.

So many things about my life fell into place once I learned how I operate consciously, as well as unconsciously.

In my next post, I will share how I met Shayne and why I believe our relationship has stayed the course based on what I know now about our shared mechanics.

XO!




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My Story: The Beginning #1


“No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!” ― C. JoyBell C.

There is so much that I want to share here, but nobody likes long posts anymore, so I thought I would start a series of short posts...and describe to those of you that are interested a story of transformation and what it looks like from the inside out. 

It's a long story...but I think a really good one!

My story of awakening to who I am began about 30 years ago. For me, it was an opening of sorts, a seeing around the edges of the reality that we have all pretty much agreed to participate in, but I saw something else operating that puzzled me.

I had no framework to put my experiences in when I first became aware of life bringing me what I needed, without much effort, or any really, on my part.

When I was around 21, I was watching an Oprah show about the men in Alaska, and what life was like for women that chose to live there.

I wanted to go and see it for myself...but how?

I had no money, no formal education and I had never been further west than Oklahoma.

How would I get there? What would I do when I got there? How would I take care of myself?

I had no answers. I had no pathway...I just juiced my desire with lots of emotional energy and let it go.

About two weeks later, I was at the mall and ran into a good friend from High School. She asked me to eat lunch with her, and I responded with an enthusiastic yes.

As we were eating, a guy walks by and recognizes my friend, and she asks him to join us. He does...and my life changed in an instant.

I noticed he had a carabiner hanging from his belt loop. It's a little tool that rock climbers use, and as I had been rappelling with my step-brother at the time, I asked him if he was a climber too.

He said no, he didn't use if for rock climbing, he used it to strap into a sling when he was working as a deckhand on a small ship in Alaska for putting bow plates on when the ship experienced rough weather.

My heart stopped...he worked on a small ship in Alaska? An opportunity!

I quizzed him further about how one gets a job on a small ship like the one he worked on, and he wrote down the name of a woman to contact in Seattle, and so I did.

A few months later, I was working on a ship in Alaska. I was making good money, I loved the ocean and the people that I worked with, and I saw all of Southeast Alaska over a period of two years.

During that magical time in my life, I responded to opportunities that life brought to me and used that as my navigation system. It was an effortless and zen way of living that stayed with me...but when I came back to Arkansas after that two years, my magical way of living came to an abrupt halt.

I went against my mechanics...and I paid a big price for that...

I succumbed to the conditioned idea that in order to make something of myself, I needed to push for what I wanted, instead of wait and let life bring me opportunities and feel whether or not they were the 'right' opportunities for me over time.

My life took a turn for the worst...and I made a series of mistakes that took years to overcome.

In my next post, I will discuss what those mistakes were, what I mean about 'my mechanics' and how my life experiences served to teach me how to live as myself. 

It took about 30 years for my 'AHA!' moment...and I want to give you some of my backstory so you can see the progression and what led me to where I am now. 

XO!
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3 Weeks Post-Surgery From My Hysterectomy


Three weeks ago today I came home from the hospital after having a total hysterectomy via the Da Vinci Robotic System.

Thought I would write about this experience via my physical, mental and spiritual perspective thus far...and if anyone else that happens across this post is contemplating a hysterectomy via this method, I hope that my candor about my own experience will be helpful in your own research. So...warning...this post is pretty candid!

Physically: 


The surgery itself was a breeze. I had 4 holes punched in my stomach, measuring about 4 mm each. They inserted robotic arms in my lower abdomen and the surgeon controlled the arms from a computer station away from my body. Everyone that had anything to do with me during my hospital stay were tender, professional and very caring. They truly love what they do and it showed.

My surgery lasted about 2.5 hours...I was in recovery for a couple of hours, then I was wheeled up to my hospital room. I had a catheter and oxygen almost up until the time I was discharged the next day. Overall...the experience of surgery wasn't nearly as bad as I had imagined. I was fairly comfortable (as comfortable as you can be with a catheter) and was able to ride home fairly well with a pillow around my abdomen for support.

As soon as I got home, I took a shower and went to bed. Getting up and out of bed has been the most challenging part of this whole experience. Shayne gave me his hiking pole and that helped a lot, but for the first 10 days or so, he had to put his arms around me and lift me up to a sitting position. No core strength at all!

I think the scariest hurdle I had to jump was using the bathroom for the first time after surgery. Since I have a vaginal cuff, there is the risk of popping the sutures if you get constipated. For some reason, that warning in my discharge papers really made me nervous, so as soon as I was home, I started sucking down some soluble fiber in pretty vast quantities to insure I didn't get constipated. It took about 4 days before my intestines came online and worked again...but the 'event' turned out not to be as stressful as I had feared.

I think the best way to describe how my lower abdomen feels is 'wonky'. Things were moved a bit and now, this week especially, they seem to be trying to find their final resting place. I still need a couple of naps per day. And I am taking pain meds on an as needed basis. I can usually motor through the day ok without any pain, but at night, it tends to get fairly rough. Sleeping with no pain meds happened once this week at night, and at 3am I was awakened with pain and a general feeling of being very uncomfortable.

My belly feels very different...from a physical standpoint. My uterus was about the size of someone 3 or 4 months pregnant. Now that its gone, even though I still have a swelly belly from the surgery, I can definitely 'see' the difference, as well as feel the difference. I really do feel lighter. People that have visited me say that I look lighter...I think that is more from an energetic perspective, though.


Mentally: 


The decision to have the surgery was surprising. I initially went to my gynocologist because I was having post-menopausal bleeding and discharge. I have been post-menopausal for 7 years, and when you have something unusual happening down there, it's good to get it checked out.

 I knew I had fibroids, but during the ultrasound, I saw that they had actually grown from the last time I had that test done. They couldn't see my left ovary, and one of the fibroids was pretty large. I was having some other issues too, that shouldn't really be happening for at least 100 more years (haha)...and when my doctor suggested we discuss my options, I was surprised at how receptive I was to having them finally removed.

It had been suggested to me before, but I always said no. This time, my body said yes, because I immediately responded to the idea of doing it. My mind was like, "What the hell? You don't believe in surgery unless its life-threatening!" but something clicked and I was not in any way apprehensive about doing it.

I only had two questions that gave me any pause about this decision,
  1. How do they take the uterus out? Through the holes? Or through my vagina?
  2. Am I grounded when they hook me up to the robot? Is there any way that it can do what it wants to instead of the surgeon directing it?
My doctor, a man about my age, was super cool about explaining how it worked, and I was amused that the only thing I would ever give birth to would be my own reproductive system.

I was initially worried about the size of those fibroids coming through my birth canal, but he assured me that a baby's head was about 10 cm and my fibroid-riddled uterus would fit. 

I tried to find as much humor in this experience as I could. That is my way of dealing with the unknown, generally.

And he assured me that he was in total control and that I would have a grounding pad on, so that was very reassuring. The idea of getting electrocuted did give me pause...

Mentally, I felt like the decision was right for me. And I still believe that it was the right decision after the fact.

Spiritually:


This perspective is not as easy to articulate as the other two are.

I feel like this part of my life is a pivot point.  Physically removing my womb has had an impact on me on that deep soul level. It doesn't have anything to do with my lifelong decision to not be a mother to my own children. I was good with that decision long before I even went into menopause.

Our reproductive organs represent life force energy...the place in our bodies where we as women have enough energy to make and support a baby. Did I just remove a vital part of my own life force?

I don't know yet.

Who am I without my reproductive system? And what value does, or did, my reproductive system have to me now, at this stage in my life?

I just don't know yet. This is the part that will take time to understand and come to terms with.

I don't think it is any coincidence that my creative output as it pertains to jewelry has been about the growth cycles found in nature.

It is all connected, I see that now. I also recognize that I have entered a new phase of my own growth cycle.

I wonder about what is ahead...and I wonder about what new insights I will uncover as I continue to process this.

Thank you for all your well wishes on Instagram and the nice emails...






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Finding my voice with Kyanite




Below are some new earrings available in my shop for $85. These are one of a kind...I don't have this design in any of my accounts! They measure 2 inches long and about 1/2 inch wide. I usually make the triple disc earrings without the spears of kyanite, but a few days ago, I had the idea to combine these two elements of my work. 

I had a rough month...it looks like I have to have a hysterectomy in April. I am still in the investigative stage of this experience as well as just getting used to the idea. I will be home convalescing for about 6 weeks, and most likely won't be doing much in the way of making jewelry. 


I think for the next few weeks I will be making just what I want to make, all one of a kind pieces as I process through my upcoming surgery.  As I make stuff, I will post it here and on my Instagram account too...

As far as everything else...I love my part-time job and the progress I am making in a completely different area of my life as it pertains to becoming a Human Design Analyst. I finished up my second series of pre-requisites for certification last week and will be taking my last pre-req class in September. Next year, I start my professional classes and am so excited about this new direction in my professional life.

I am curious to see what emerges creatively in the next few weeks as I drill down and explore emotionally what it means to have my womb removed. Today, I found a bird's nest that had been abandoned due to the cold weather snap we have experienced here, and I put it over on my oak tree stump that I have converted into an outdoor fairy house. It occurred to me that birds must build their womb...and when the conditions are not right, they abandon it.

I guess the conditions are no longer right for me to retain my own womb. I am not sure how I feel about this on many levels. But I trust that it is all a part of the journey I am to take in this lifetime and that the deeper realizations and learnings will come in their own time.

Kyanite is considered by some to be a healing stone, and a stone that helps those that wear it find their voice. Seems like this pair of earrings is a good start to this next leg in my journey. I am hoping via my creative energy to discover my voice regarding this monumental change for my body.

Blessing to you...and thank you for reading. 



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How Deep Is Your Root System?

Dancing Buds, Sterling Silver Earrings by Stacie Florer 2017

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Elizabeth Appell

As I look out my window, I see OLD trees starting to form buds in anticipation of longer, sun-lit days and warmer weather.

It occurred to me that those trees, at least most of them, have been around longer than I have; yet, they still produce buds every year, with the promise of blossoming.

It isn't about endurance. I believe its more about trust. Trusting in the wisdom of the seasons, and that just because one year passes, doesn't mean that the season to blossom is permanently over.

Our culture perpetuates this myth that blossoming is only for the young. But nature insists that blossoming happens when the right environmental conditions are met, regardless of age.

Ahh...isn't that wonderful to contemplate? Just a little turn of the mind...a bit of noticing about the reality that just IS when we slow down enough to really notice our lives and our place in the natural process of living.

I have a scraggly lavender plant that I have been trying to keep alive inside my home while winter gives way to spring. The environmental conditions are absolutely terrible for it...no sun as my house is rather dark; no wind to strengthen her so I lightly stroke her leaves whenever I pass by on my way out the door. I can give her warmth; I can pretend there is wind, but I can't possibly replicate the natural environment she needs to thrive and grow.

I am just giving her enough to stay alive, but her potential is on hold. The way she looks reminds me of how I feel when my environment is not allowing me to thrive.

Do you know what your particular environment must be to bud, unfurl and lean towards the light?


Forming your root system

For this stage in my life, I knew a few years ago that I needed a stable, physical place to form my foundation. After living on the wind, a home was now necessary for me to put down a root system. I was ready to land.

 For many, many years, I lived like the annual. I had a shallow root system, and most of my energy was being put into seeding those I came into contact with new ideas that were potentially mutative for them. 

While I was 'on the move', I befriended so many that were in places of transition. Energetically, this pattern of acquiring experiences with people that were undergoing tremendous change kept repeating itself. I noticed it, and took note.

Our friendships bloomed so quickly...a great sudden burst of energy! I loved it! But either I would move or they would move..and the great thrust of pent up energy was gone again. 

For the time, it was correct for me to live like that.

But when it was time for me to change my environment, I felt it in a very deep way. I couldn't seem to replenish myself for the energy needed to keep producing those seeds from shallow roots. Instinctively, I knew it was time to work on my own root system. 

Over the last year or so, I have used my energy in a much different way. It is so much slower than before!

I met a few people my first year..mostly those in my neighborhood. Close to my rooting system...I didn't venture out that far from where I was most needed energetically. Although many of my friends and family did visit us...and that was quite novel!

As those people in my life that have been so important to me while I was on the wind traveled through, I watched where they wanted to congregate for communion in my home.

In those areas, I have developed the environment to help support conversations and closeness.  I am using gorgeous crystals from my home state of Arkansas to help amplify those areas energetically as well as choosing paint colors to promote warmth, security and safety.

Where they sleep while here, I have lovingly attended to developing a cozy place for them to rest and recover.

My jewelry studio environmentally needs some help..I have noticed that I haven't quite tweaked it to where it will support my deep rooted desires creatively..but that will continue to develop slowly before it is ready to bloom.

And I'm ok with the longer timeframe. I am struggling with getting rid of the shallow rooted way of thinking about my work environment!

What does your physical environment reflect back to you regarding your own root system? Is it shallow like the annual, or deep like the perennial? Or somewhere in-between like the biannual? 

All three of these root systems have a purpose...but what happens when your particular root system no longer works for you and you stop thriving? 

Your nights probably become shorter (sleep issues anyone?) and the desire for a new environment starts to really take hold (daydreaming replaces night-dreaming).

As to the flip side of this notion,  I have observed friends that have very deep root systems, but they are no longer able to form new buds and bloom.  The old ideas of themselves are dying within; and its time for them to put their energy into forming new life seeds and reproducing their essence elsewhere. 

Sometimes, a deeply rooted being provides much shade for those around them, and those people aren't interested in stepping into their own light at the expense of losing the shade that you may provide. That can be a very difficult transition to make.  

There is a time for many where it is now correct for them to take to the wind and see where they land to start anew.  Shallow rooted plants often produce the most gorgeous, life-infused blooms! 

I know what it is to ride the wind...to live with a heart-quickened existence. Possessions are light, keys are few on the keychain and total immersion in experiences is vital as great amounts of energy are collected to produce something new. 

Shallow or deep, or somewhere in between, all of them are necessary to us as we continue to evolve and grow.

But blooming requires so many things...and none of them are dependent upon the age we are!  Our roots just have to support our intentions, and our environment must nourish and support our ideals...and then the buds will set, and we will be in a place to unfurl.

Simple, but not easy!










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