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My Story: Pushing Instead of Waiting #2

This is a series of posts sharing about my journey into discovering my Human Design Mechanics. They are numbered, and you can find a list of this series on my sidebar under My Story. 

When I decided to leave the boating world, I moved back to my home state of Arkansas. I reconnected with an old boyfriend I had all through high school, and thought it 'was time' to settle down and 'get serious' about my life.

I remember, at 25 years of age, feeling this intense pressure to stop traveling and enjoying myself doing what I absolutely loved; and instead, go to college, get married and get busy with starting a family.

Looking back at that time...it wasn't what I really wanted to do; it was something that I felt I was supposed to do.

That is called conditioning, and we all are conditioned in certain ways for behaviors and decision-making that are not really coming from the core of who we are. Even though my boyfriend was an amazing young man, he started trying to control what I said or shared with those that we started to form friendships with together as a couple.

He didn't have much curiosity about what I did for those few years I traveled, who I met or where I traveled. He wanted to pick right up from where we stopped when I was 19 or so, which felt disempowering to me at the time.

We stayed together for a few months, then broke up when we determined we had grown too far apart, and I found out he was still in love with his ex-wife.

I was devastated, and confused about what to do next.

I remember going to the bookstore and picking up one of those self-help books about making the life you want by setting goals and pushing for the what you want.

What I really wanted was to experience the synchronistic lifestyle that I lived for those few magical years while I was traveling; but again, I didn't understand the mechanics about how I had achieved that at the time.

Now I know.

I am designed to respond to life, not initiate things. If I want to experience something in particular, it is not so much up to me to decide how that comes into my life, but I wait and see what I respond to and that wanted experience happens in such a way that far surpasses any expectations I might have tried to form.

When I push, or initiate action when not in response, I run into all sorts of problems.

I decided at that time in my life to pursue a career in sales. So I pushed, pushed, pushed according to the principles in that book I bought.

I thought I wanted to sell cosmetology products to salons, since I had been trained as a hairdresser right out of high school, and I approached a company that used to call on the salon I worked in a few years earlier.

The owner said he was going to open up a sales territory in Memphis, TN and that he would hire me to get it going. At the time, I thought pushing was working out in my favor!

I took out a small loan from a bank to pay for the move, and moved into an apartment in Memphis to start my new job.

A few months later, my boss informs me that the company is folding up and that my services were no longer needed. I was out of a job in my new city; I had a loan payment and fairly high rent to pay and I was absolutely alone.

In my loneliness, I decided to initiate action to get a dog from the pound. I went to the pound, and fell in love with a skinny mutt that looked like a little fox. I took her home, and a week later she was dead from undiagnosed distemper.

By this time I was really panicked. I couldn't find a job and I had bills due. So, I hawked anything and everything (which was not much)  I had so that I could pay my rent. The only thing I had left in my apartment was an ironing board and my bed, and I used the ironing board as my table.

It was a terrifically low point in my life. I lived next to a really nice neighborhood and would often walk around it, dreaming about living in a home with furniture and not feeling terrified about how to take care of myself.

At this point, I was feeling the crunch of bills needing to be paid, and without a college education or any marketable skills for dry land, I decided to approach restaurants and try and get a waitressing job.

I landed one, and ended up in a relationship with someone that was a customer that turned out to be another disaster. I was married to him for a year, and ended up leaving him when I realized that it wasn't normal to be timed when I went to the grocery store to see if I was out screwing someone else.

I remember leaving Memphis and throwing my wedding ring out the window as I was crossing the Mississippi River, determined to try and figure out where I went so wrong. What was I doing that made life so hard after experiencing a life that was so easy and effortless?

What was the secret sauce?

I have been looking for the answer to that question for myself for 30 years. A couple of years ago, I was introduced to a system that immediately resonated with me and that system of understanding yourself is called Human Design. 

I am a being that is designed to live in RESPONSE to what life brings me, and not initiate.


By responding to my environment and waiting for opportunities to come toward me instead of me chasing them, life works with a rhythm and synchronicity that feels more like floating down a river and enjoying the ride and view, instead of paddling upstream, exhausted and frustrated because you are going nowhere.

I learned early in my adult life that pushing and initiating didn't seem to get me far. I recognized it, but didn't know what to do about it.

I felt like something was terribly wrong with me because I wasn't seeing the same sort of success and satisfaction from my life that my some of my peers and family were...it was a difficult time for me before I was 30.

 It was an intense time of trial and error...seeing what worked and what didn't, trying to figure out why I was having such extreme experiences! And why was I always moving? My life up to that point was also about moving...moving...moving!

Before I left for the boats, I lived in Chicago and several other places in Arkansas. My life was in a constant state of flux.

So many things about my life fell into place once I learned how I operate consciously, as well as unconsciously.

In my next post, I will share how I met Shayne and why I believe our relationship has stayed the course based on what I know now about our shared mechanics.

XO!




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