Updated: Dec 14, 2019
It's been two weeks since we said goodbye to Sadie. It has been rough, but as those of you know, it gets more bearable as time passes.
For those of you that are interested in Human Design, and even for those of you that aren’t, my mind works very abstractly. I have the 47/64 Channel, or the Channel of Abstraction. I don’t think in a linear way. I collect experiences and images and then try and sort them into a story that I can learn from later. I’m always looking for meaning from my past. I chase a higher perspective once I’ve lived through something. It’s just how I’m wired.
I believe this is why writing has always been something that comes easy to me. I’m constantly trying to make sense of my past and writing allows me the space to do just that.
After we buried Sadie, Shayne and I had along discussion about what was important to us about how we moved through her death.
Shayne said it would have crushed him had she passed without us being with her. I’m very grateful that we were with her every step of the way. On the day she died, before we found out she had cancer and were waiting for the scan, I spent about an hour with her at the pet hospital in a room where I just held her on my chest as she slept.
I spent those 60 minutes just inhaling her Sadie scent and was 100% present. That time with her, in that place, is something that I feel good about. I stayed as long as I could before they asked me to leave because they needed the room. The staff was really great. I am grateful for them and their kindness.
Another thing I’ve thought about was the manner in which she died. The vets said we could take her home for the night if we wanted to in order to say goodbye, but that she might be in some pretty bad pain. Hard to tell since she couldn’t speak.
We drove there wondering what it would be…another night with her at home to say a longer goodbye or not?
When they let us in the room to see her, she didn’t move from her bed. She wasn’t excited to see us. She didn’t want to eat or drink, and her tail didn’t even wag when she realized we were there. She was…beginning the process of dying and I could sense it immediately.
I knew in that instant that she was ready to go. And I remember many others saying that as a pet owner, you just know when its time. And you do. You know.
You know because you are so deeply connected. I felt my way through this…every step of the way. My feelings were what I could trust about the right timing and sequencing of events.
When I separated myself from the connection I had with her and what I have with Shayne was when I experienced anxiety.
I watched myself. At least this time, I was aware of what I was trying to do and was able to stop it. That’s progress in my deconditioning journey of trying to force things to a resolution because it’s painful to live in the realty of “I don’t know what to do or when to do it.”
You know when you know, and not a second before.
Last week was the first week in 12 years that I spent it totally alone while Shayne was out of town on a business trip. I never realized what a big presence a pet has in your life until they aren’t there anymore.
I often stayed out visiting with Dad or friends until it was time to go home, wash my face and go to bed. I was able to attend my Searching For God group without fretting about the time and getting home to give Sadie her shots and medicines. I find myself turning on a movie or the radio for noise…you know, the usual stuff we do to avoid being alone while we adjust to a new normal.
This weekend, I am resting a lot and reading even more, enjoying the coolness of the Fall weather, my favorite time of the year.
Life goes on…seeking itself in the connections we all have with each other.
We are all in this ring of life…and we don’t pass out of this ring until we have moved through it.
Thank you again for the cards, hearts and condolences.