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Showing My True Colors

Dragonflies and Damselflies are very ancient with estimates of having been around for over 180 million years. They have beautiful, jewel-like colouring. The bright colours take time to develop, reflecting the idea that with maturity our own true colours come forth. This is part of dragonfly medicine. --Ted Andrews



I was in my backyard this afternoon and spotted this Damselfly just resting underneath the canopy of a large tree stump  that used to be an oak tree that has sprung back to life this summer. Actually, I put a roof on the stump so it is also my fairy house, so finding her there was especially nice!

I happened to have my phone with me and caught this beauty resting before the next rain shower.

I looked up the Damselfly to see what teaching it has for me, and I found the quote above by Ted Andrews from his book, Animal-Speak.

Now, this quote especially rang true for me because I belong to a group of women on one of my social media accounts that help support each other as they transition from coloring their hair to letting their natural silver threads crown their heads.

I am smack dab in the middle of going dye and highlight free, (it's been 7 months since my last color treatment) and on the forum a woman was bemoaning the fact that she is now considered 'old' by our culture's definition of it.

I decided to respond here today, as this has been on my mind regarding aging and how I feel about it, especially as I am of an age when it would have been natural for me to be a grandmother by now.

Frankly, I've thoroughly enjoyed the process of watching my body change, along with my mind.

A few years ago, my mind went quiet. I am pretty sure it was related to some hormonal shifts that naturally occur at menopause, but I remember very clearly where I was when I noticed that my mind wasn't chattering away, and I was able to focus much more intently on what was in my immediate environment instead of being someplace else...like back in the past or in the future.

Shayne and I were living in Jacksboro, TN in a lake house we were renting, and I was out taking a walk with Sadie down on the shoreline. It occurred to me that my mind was quiet. It was just like it used to be before I started puberty, and I could lose myself in my surroundings.

I remember calling my brother, because in that moment I realized that my mind had been very quiet, for days...was I showing signs of some sort of early dementia?

I wasn't...and after talking with my brother we realized that it was just another doorway one can choose to open as you age into living more in tune with your environment, and my former raging hormones were no longer influencing my day-to-day life.

Ladies of a certain age...if you have transitioned out of your hormone influenced mind, do you recall how much of your life was spent thinking about the minutia of looking attractive, sounding attractive,  wondering about love and drama and how the two mix?

I don't care to be sexually attractive anymore. I don't give a shit about that. I want to be humanly attractive. I want my appearance to serve as a physical signpost that I'm someone that wants to go into deeper and more meaningful conversations with everyone that I meet in life...not just my husband, family and friends.

I'm interested in expressing my whole self..not as a woman looking for a boyfriend, husband, lover or whatever. There is a big difference. Those of you that happen upon this post that haven't transitioned yet may not understand the subtle difference that I am writing about, but you will.

There is a pause for sure...although some women choose not to pause, reflect and contemplate how they are different once their body's shift. Some choose to stay on the train...and that's their right as human beings with free will. But I chose not to...I got off the train, found my own track and am living the reality my body lives in.

Does that mean that I am advocating just 'letting myself go?". No, I'm advocating taking exquisite care of yourself, wearing what you want that brings you a feeling of love towards yourself. Joy comes in color...that I am sure of. Joy is bright, lively, loud and proud.

I've been working with silver for many years. I love oxidized silver because I could age it by giving it a patina that highlighted the marks and textures of my designs.

I think I've been exploring aging via my jewelry for many, many years. Texture, scars, stories etched in my skin and face...it's part of the package when you are gifted with a long life.

Oxidized silver is neutral in that you can pair it with any color and it will look fabulous. It doesn't matter if its warm or cool in tone, bright or pastel.

Working with silver has taught me that it is the perfect background for any color I want to use with it.

And that is why I believe Spirit turns our hair gray as we mature. It's so that we can express ourselves with all the colors in the crayon box and still look fabulous.

It's about dropping your limitations and expanding into limitlessness.

Here's to finding your true colors as you age...

XO!

My Story: Pushing Instead of Waiting #2

This is a series of posts sharing about my journey into discovering my Human Design Mechanics. They are numbered, and you can find a list of this series on my sidebar under My Story. 

When I decided to leave the boating world, I moved back to my home state of Arkansas. I reconnected with an old boyfriend I had all through high school, and thought it 'was time' to settle down and 'get serious' about my life.

I remember, at 25 years of age, feeling this intense pressure to stop traveling and enjoying myself doing what I absolutely loved; and instead, go to college, get married and get busy with starting a family.

Looking back at that time...it wasn't what I really wanted to do; it was something that I felt I was supposed to do.

That is called conditioning, and we all are conditioned in certain ways for behaviors and decision-making that are not really coming from the core of who we are. Even though my boyfriend was an amazing young man, he started trying to control what I said or shared with those that we started to form friendships with together as a couple.

He didn't have much curiosity about what I did for those few years I traveled, who I met or where I traveled. He wanted to pick right up from where we stopped when I was 19 or so, which felt disempowering to me at the time.

We stayed together for a few months, then broke up when we determined we had grown too far apart, and I found out he was still in love with his ex-wife.

I was devastated, and confused about what to do next.

I remember going to the bookstore and picking up one of those self-help books about making the life you want by setting goals and pushing for the what you want.

What I really wanted was to experience the synchronistic lifestyle that I lived for those few magical years while I was traveling; but again, I didn't understand the mechanics about how I had achieved that at the time.

Now I know.

I am designed to respond to life, not initiate things. If I want to experience something in particular, it is not so much up to me to decide how that comes into my life, but I wait and see what I respond to and that wanted experience happens in such a way that far surpasses any expectations I might have tried to form.

When I push, or initiate action when not in response, I run into all sorts of problems.

I decided at that time in my life to pursue a career in sales. So I pushed, pushed, pushed according to the principles in that book I bought.

I thought I wanted to sell cosmetology products to salons, since I had been trained as a hairdresser right out of high school, and I approached a company that used to call on the salon I worked in a few years earlier.

The owner said he was going to open up a sales territory in Memphis, TN and that he would hire me to get it going. At the time, I thought pushing was working out in my favor!

I took out a small loan from a bank to pay for the move, and moved into an apartment in Memphis to start my new job.

A few months later, my boss informs me that the company is folding up and that my services were no longer needed. I was out of a job in my new city; I had a loan payment and fairly high rent to pay and I was absolutely alone.

In my loneliness, I decided to initiate action to get a dog from the pound. I went to the pound, and fell in love with a skinny mutt that looked like a little fox. I took her home, and a week later she was dead from undiagnosed distemper.

By this time I was really panicked. I couldn't find a job and I had bills due. So, I hawked anything and everything (which was not much)  I had so that I could pay my rent. The only thing I had left in my apartment was an ironing board and my bed, and I used the ironing board as my table.

It was a terrifically low point in my life. I lived next to a really nice neighborhood and would often walk around it, dreaming about living in a home with furniture and not feeling terrified about how to take care of myself.

At this point, I was feeling the crunch of bills needing to be paid, and without a college education or any marketable skills for dry land, I decided to approach restaurants and try and get a waitressing job.

I landed one, and ended up in a relationship with someone that was a customer that turned out to be another disaster. I was married to him for a year, and ended up leaving him when I realized that it wasn't normal to be timed when I went to the grocery store to see if I was out screwing someone else.

I remember leaving Memphis and throwing my wedding ring out the window as I was crossing the Mississippi River, determined to try and figure out where I went so wrong. What was I doing that made life so hard after experiencing a life that was so easy and effortless?

What was the secret sauce?

I have been looking for the answer to that question for myself for 30 years. A couple of years ago, I was introduced to a system that immediately resonated with me and that system of understanding yourself is called Human Design. 

I am a being that is designed to live in RESPONSE to what life brings me, and not initiate.


By responding to my environment and waiting for opportunities to come toward me instead of me chasing them, life works with a rhythm and synchronicity that feels more like floating down a river and enjoying the ride and view, instead of paddling upstream, exhausted and frustrated because you are going nowhere.

I learned early in my adult life that pushing and initiating didn't seem to get me far. I recognized it, but didn't know what to do about it.

I felt like something was terribly wrong with me because I wasn't seeing the same sort of success and satisfaction from my life that my some of my peers and family were...it was a difficult time for me before I was 30.

 It was an intense time of trial and error...seeing what worked and what didn't, trying to figure out why I was having such extreme experiences! And why was I always moving? My life up to that point was also about moving...moving...moving!

Before I left for the boats, I lived in Chicago and several other places in Arkansas. My life was in a constant state of flux.

So many things about my life fell into place once I learned how I operate consciously, as well as unconsciously.

In my next post, I will share how I met Shayne and why I believe our relationship has stayed the course based on what I know now about our shared mechanics.

XO!




My Story: The Beginning #1


“No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!” ― C. JoyBell C.

There is so much that I want to share here, but nobody likes long posts anymore, so I thought I would start a series of short posts...and describe to those of you that are interested a story of transformation and what it looks like from the inside out. 

It's a long story...but I think a really good one!

My story of awakening to who I am began about 30 years ago. For me, it was an opening of sorts, a seeing around the edges of the reality that we have all pretty much agreed to participate in, but I saw something else operating that puzzled me.

I had no framework to put my experiences in when I first became aware of life bringing me what I needed, without much effort, or any really, on my part.

When I was around 21, I was watching an Oprah show about the men in Alaska, and what life was like for women that chose to live there.

I wanted to go and see it for myself...but how?

I had no money, no formal education and I had never been further west than Oklahoma.

How would I get there? What would I do when I got there? How would I take care of myself?

I had no answers. I had no pathway...I just juiced my desire with lots of emotional energy and let it go.

About two weeks later, I was at the mall and ran into a good friend from High School. She asked me to eat lunch with her, and I responded with an enthusiastic yes.

As we were eating, a guy walks by and recognizes my friend, and she asks him to join us. He does...and my life changed in an instant.

I noticed he had a carabiner hanging from his belt loop. It's a little tool that rock climbers use, and as I had been rappelling with my step-brother at the time, I asked him if he was a climber too.

He said no, he didn't use if for rock climbing, he used it to strap into a sling when he was working as a deckhand on a small ship in Alaska for putting bow plates on when the ship experienced rough weather.

My heart stopped...he worked on a small ship in Alaska? An opportunity!

I quizzed him further about how one gets a job on a small ship like the one he worked on, and he wrote down the name of a woman to contact in Seattle, and so I did.

A few months later, I was working on a ship in Alaska. I was making good money, I loved the ocean and the people that I worked with, and I saw all of Southeast Alaska over a period of two years.

During that magical time in my life, I responded to opportunities that life brought to me and used that as my navigation system. It was an effortless and zen way of living that stayed with me...but when I came back to Arkansas after that two years, my magical way of living came to an abrupt halt.

I went against my mechanics...and I paid a big price for that...

I succumbed to the conditioned idea that in order to make something of myself, I needed to push for what I wanted, instead of wait and let life bring me opportunities and feel whether or not they were the 'right' opportunities for me over time.

My life took a turn for the worst...and I made a series of mistakes that took years to overcome.

In my next post, I will discuss what those mistakes were, what I mean about 'my mechanics' and how my life experiences served to teach me how to live as myself. 

It took about 30 years for my 'AHA!' moment...and I want to give you some of my backstory so you can see the progression and what led me to where I am now. 

XO!