The House Made Me Break Up With You
A girlfriend of mine recently broke up with her boyfriend. They still live together in a small house. But it has MOLD problems!
She’s constantly congested. That’s not like her. When she mentioned the mold, alarm bells when off in my head. Was her environment wrecking her relationship?
I suggested that she get the hell out of the house until it is remediated or pack up and find another place to live.
He is still living there until he finds an alternative living situation, and after our conversation, I suggested that her environment may have something to do with the perception that there is something wrong with the relationship.
She’s now wondering if breaking up was a mistake. Not because her feelings changed, but because her perspective about her unhappiness has changed.
Is it me? Or our place?
I’ve lived in dozens of different places with Shayne over the last 30 years, and I understand how important physical space is when you are living with someone.
The home has to be safe. Mold is not safe. If I feel like something is unsafe in my home, and I’m not getting any support from Shayne about mitigating it, I’m not mad at the danger itself.
I end up mad at him. Not the mold.
That can put a damper on any relationship dynamic, or fuel the smolder of a past, unresolved issue that’s looking for a gust of wind to fan the flames.
If someone is under a lot of stress from outside influences, like a job, coming home should feel like a respite from the stress. If they are coming home and home is more stressful than the job, many people will blame the only person they have access to.
And that is usually their spouse or partner.
Someone experiencing emotional overwhelm without a way to decompress or drain it out will often blame their misery on what can talk back.
And that is how relationships can go south.
Combine that with no space to just be by oneself, or dealing with a potential health hazard in that space, and this is a recipe for an emotional breakdown.
Why Emotional Distance Can Bring Clarity
Separation or distance from a perceived problem can often bring clarity to the real problem, especially in younger people lacking the experience of relationship dynamics to understand that the reason they are unhappy isn’t always because of someone else.
Paradoxically, when a relationship seems to be in trouble, sometimes some distance can be helpful.
A little separation calms the emotional noise enough so that the quietness of clarity can be heard.
We got to that realization when I asked her how their recent trip away from home went.
As I expected, her recollection of their relationship softened somewhat when she realized that they had a great time, and even though there were some issues, they had the physical space to work on them, along with some time apart, and she felt it was quite successful.
What’s the Actual Problem?
When in a perceived relationship crisis, it can be helpful to reflect upon some important questions:
Am I really unhappy with my partner, or is it more about how I feel in my current life?
How do I feel about them when we are away from environmental stressors?
What do I need right now? What needs do I have that are not being met? Have I communicated them to my partner?
Shayne and I have been joined at the hip for the better part of our 30 years together. That changed dramatically when our parents became ill and needed our care and support.
Out of the last 4 years, Shayne has spent about half of that time away from our home, as he cared for his father in Arkansas.
Our relationship challenges centered around too much separation of physical space from each other.
When we were together, we jammed as usual. But dealing with my physcial environment without him was hard on me, because it takes two people to run our home.
When he was in Arkansas, it was difficult for him to be in a physical environment that didn’t support his fitness needs, his nutritional needs, or his spiritual needs. It took a toll on him in ways I wouldn’t have understood before.
It changed the dynamics of our relationship when our changed physical environments weren’t ideal.
However, this experience is why I was able to see what the potential issue might be for my young friend.
Environment and stress-reduction shape our emotional experience of being in a relationship more than we might like to admit.
My Closing Thoughts
Have you ever blamed the wrong thing for how you felt in a relationship? What might change if you looked at your environment first?
Long-term relationships are often reliant on consciously creating a shared environment that is beneficial for both.
Each partner needs their own space to be alone, doing nothing, or involved in an activity that can help relieve the day-to-day stressors of jobs and life in general.
Your home has to feel safe. What feels safe for one might be different for the other. I tend to look at foundational things and freak out if there is a leak somewhere, or if I smell something off. I have 2 dehumidifiers in my basement, and one in my bathroom with the shower because of my terror of mold.
Shayne doesn’t see dirt, dust, or mold. But he knows I do, and Lowe’s is his best friend when it comes to keeping me emotionally happy.
Shayne needs order, and I can live quite well with chaos. I like things clean, but neat? Well……
He needs a lot of space for his workout equipment since being physically fit is important to him. I like to take walks in nature.
So he gets the most space in the basement, and I have just enough room for my rebounder when it’s too cold to walk in the winter.
My point is that we have to consciously compromise on the important things to each of us so that we can live in our version of a sanctuary.
If you get the physical environment right to support the needs of each partner, many emotional issues you may blame on the other might just go away.
I mean, there’s a reason why most people don’t eat in the bathroom, right?
