Compassion Doesn't Mean You Approve

I believe compassion is one of those concepts that gets misinterpreted A LOT today.

I remember when I experienced true compassion for someone that, to put it bluntly, I despised with every fiber of my being.

I disagreed with her on pretty much every level. She was in my extended family circle, so she was in my life periodically due to who she was married to, but I tried to avoid her as much as possible.

Her husband was having severe health issues, and I knew that she was cheating on him.

In an unguarded moment, I witnessed her emotionally fall apart while he was in the hospital having surgery.

That was when I experienced compassion, I believe, authentically, for the first time.

In a flash, I could see her entire life.

She had a rough childhood, and she was someone that was stuck in survival mode all of the time. And I watched her emotionally cycle through what it might mean if her husband didn't make it through the surgery.

She was scared out of her mind.

Maybe for him, maybe for herself. Most likely, both.

I don't know, and it didn't really matter.

The interesting thing was how it affected me. I completely shifted in a way that is hard to put into words.

I didn't forgive her for the years of bullshit I'd observed and experienced, and I know I won't ever forget any of it either.

But for a brief period, I was present with her in a loving and quiet way.

I didn't try and tell her he'd be fine, and not to worry. I didn't say anything that I remember.

I was just present without judging her.

And surprisingly, I watched how it affected her as she disintegrated.

Something was exchanged between us that ended up being life-altering for me.

I believe compassion is holding the shared space steady for someone that is falling apart, and needs a bit of shelter so they can reassemble themselves for what comes next after they get through their own storm.

But what strikes me the most is that I was able to shift my own emotional landscape from one of turbulence and repulsion to a serene and, dare I say, caring one.

Compassion is tricky to understand. It's not feeling sorry for someone or trying to take a moment of pain and teach them a lesson about themselves.

It's not saying all the things we've been conditioned to say, like "It'll be OK," or "I've been through something similar and it all worked out."

Showing empathy for someone is part of compassion, but only if they ask you for your own experience.

It has nothing to do with offering to help, either, unless asked. And then, only if you really want to.

All those 'nice things' we try to say and do aren't about the person actually suffering are they?

Nope. It's usually about us trying to prove to them and everyone else that we're nice and caring.

Compassion came up again recently for me as I tried to console someone that I care deeply about, and had to resist not trying to fix the problem, tell them that I know exactly how they feel, and all the blah, blah we tend to go through when we see someone suffering.

I'm not going to lie...I still get it wrong a lot. I have to work on this, especially when my emotions are running strong.

But I continue to try.

I try and go back to that moment with her, and bring the me back who saw her for who she is, accepted it all, and stayed present while she was in the storm.

I did it once...surely I can repeat it, right?

The irony is that she is the one person that enabled me to have one of the most profound experiences that I think about often, in a good way, about compassion.

Life is cool like that.

Random fact about me: My college roommate had to have her entire side of the dorm room decorated with Seafoam Green. It was like living in cotton candy. And I can say there is nothing in my home that is Seafoam Green.