How Trust Shapes Our Conversations

I was out on a hike yesterday and was talking with my step-father about our upcoming road trip to Colorado.

Something that is really cool about our relationship is that we can talk about stuff for hours. On our trips, which are often two full days in his truck to get to where we are going to stay, we don't have the radio on.

We can fill up 8-10 hours of time in a truck by having long conversations.

Well, yesterday we were talking about trust, and how most institutions that were built on trust are no longer trustworthy.

Trust is an interesting topic for a couple of reasons.

I don't think a lot of people understand that trust is the invisible glue that allows any institution to exist.

When people lose confidence that the people within the institution are acting without integrity, are no longer concerned with an individual's competence within the organization, and the people involved are not in alignment with professional values, said organization is finished.

The building may still stand, but without trust, the institution can no longer lead, organize, or inspire those within the system, much less to those of us on the outside who use the system.

Or used to use the system.

When a personal relationship is severed because of a lack of trust, there is an anger that rarely recedes. I've seen people carry their anger and hatred for an untrustworthy partner for YEARS, even after the relationship is finished.

When trust is gone, the way we communicate changes drastically. In a trustworthy relationship, we feel open to discuss anything. We can share without feeling like we have to defend ourselves if we drop something on someone that is provocative.

On my trips with my step-father, the way we are able to communicate with each other is built on 40+ years of trust. I can discuss anything with him, including stuff I know he disagrees with me on, without feeling like the relationship is on the rocks because of what I share.

I'm free to think while I am speaking, and to be wrong without feeling stupid.

But without trust? That's not possible, and misunderstanding takes center stage.

When trust is gone, anger fills the space left, and all conversations after that betrayal are centered around defense, accusation, and control.

I look at the people around me when I'm out doing my business, and I see anger. The kind of anger I've experienced when a trustworthy relationship goes south because of an egregious lie. We all have our line in the sand, and when that line is crossed...communication shifts drastically.

We're seeing it on a grand scale now.

Most communication is now calculated. People have become accustomed to having to scan for threats when out and about now instead of connection and shared meaning.

I watch a lot of Andy Griffith in my studio, and I miss that world where trust in others was the assumption, instead of the opposite.

I see more people that stay silent now, hiding behind their phones when there could be an opportunity to connect with someone in the flesh while waiting for an appointment or at the airport.

Honesty and openness is a commodity that is now, rare. It can only happen when someone is in an environment that is trustworthy. And I miss it.

Something else shifts, too.

I've seen an incredible lack of curiosity lately. About anything. And that shift worries me.

To be curious requires safety in communication. It requires an openness and honesty about what you don't know so you can learn about something new, and GROW.

Curiosity also requires diving into the unknown. People are less inclined to be verbally flexible and are instead rigid. I've experienced people reverting to assumption instead of asking questions to get to a place of understanding.

Understanding is not the same as agreement.

Many now pre-judge and aren't curious about why someone believes or acts differently than they do; they assume the other is just wrong and if their difference threatens their worldview, they seek to destroy instead of understand.

I think this all goes to the issue of trust. Once the institutions that we all believed in became untrustworthy, as we continue to discover daily, the population has become calculated and fractured.

When we become more interested in finding out what really happened inside our institutions, instead of focusing on what's wrong with those currently in power, healing from this breach of trust won't happen.

The buildings may stand, but that's it. And that's even debatable at this point.

I hope we can bring back curiosity. I'm trying to transmute my own anger about the state of our country by seeking to understand. Curiosity may have killed the cat, but without it, we don't have a chance.

It's an important way through this.

Random fact about me: Everything on my walls is artwork I've collected from real people, not stores.