The Power of Presence

Why do some people make us feel alone, even when we’re together—while others make silence feel like the deepest conversation?

I was listening to a podcast today and one of the guests mentioned how he enjoys the presence of certain people. He didn't say spending time with certain people.

That struck me.

Spending time is using a valuable resource to do something together--like working, playing, talking, or eating.

Being in someone's presence, or allowing them to be in yours, is different.

When I'm with certain people, there's no need to talk, eat or do.

It's when my attention, and theirs, is fully present.

Silence feels more than just not talking.

The shared space is alive and full without words.

There is no effort, no trying to fix anything or analyze the relationship.

It feels like time slows down, and nothing needs to be done.

It's nourishing to rest in presence.

This weekend Shayne and I spent time together in Greensboro. But more importantly, we shared our presence together in a little Airbnb doing nothing.

And it was bliss.

Family Secrets

I just finished watching My Mom Jayne, the story of Mariska Hargitay's mother, Jayne Mansfield. It was a wonderful documentary, and it brought to mind a personal family secret that I wasn't aware of until about 8 years ago.

There's a very real possibility that I have a half-brother out there somewhere.

I'm not going to get into the specifics of the story because it's not mine to tell, but when I found out it really did change my view of myself and the story of my family.

My father was heartbroken to think he had a son that he didn't know about until he was in his mid-70s. It really rocked his world, and before he died, I asked him about it.

And he told me that every day since he found out, he prayed he would find him.

Evidently, my half-brother was adopted at birth, without any hope of finding out who adopted him and where he ended up. We didn't even know if he was still alive.

Dad did a genetic test via one of those companies that connect people via DNA analysis, in case he was still alive, and wanted to find out more about his birth parents.

There were no matches.

In many families, since the possibility of DNA matches has become possible, many family secrets are no longer such a secret.

I know of a few people quite close to me who have been down the road of finding out they have siblings out there somewhere, and the possibilities of reunification always seemed to be full of excitement.

I'd like to believe that I would be excited too, but I think that's one of those emotions that you don't know how you really feel unless it happens to you.

The older I get, the more I realize that my emotional reactions to things don't often pan out like movies or books portray.

I will say, however, that I love to people-watch more now than I did before I found out that I may have a half-brother out there somewhere. And I wonder, a lot actually, why this information made its way to us the way it did?

What's the purpose of a dead end? I guess I will either find out one day, or not.

But it does make me wonder.

If you get the opportunity, watch My Mom Jayne. on MAX. Mariska did a fantastic job of putting many puzzle pieces together of her life, along with her mother's, and presenting us with a beautiful mosaic of love in its many forms.

Curiosity, Connection and Boundaries

Shayne and I went to a local Farmer's Market this morning and there was a free book table. I stopped and found a book by Miriam Zimmer Bradly that I'd never seen before, and picked it up, quite excited about my found treasure.

As we were walking up an aisle, a woman stopped me and asked what book I had. I showed it to her and she said she had read Avalon years ago, and how nice it was to find Ancestors of Avalon in the series.

Then she pivoted to a necklace I had on, one that I had made, and was wondering if the stone was turquoise; which it was, and that she liked it, and all of a sudden she stopped the connection with an apology for 'getting up in my business'.

I assured her she wasn't, and that I enjoyed the interaction, since at 57 years old, random people don't often spontaneously get into much with me at all.

I appreciate any curiosity about my life and my choices and especially love the opportunity to learn something about them, too.

It was a nice experience, and one I've been musing on all day. I found it curious she felt the need to apologize for the spontaneous connection and what that says about our culture these days.

This morning, Shayne showed me a CBS special about a young woman, Molly Schafer, who painted a portrait of 44 of her high school classmates and gifted the people she painted with her work as a graduation gift.

The twist here is for whatever reason, these kids had all been friends with her when she was younger, but as they grew older, their curiosity and connection to the artist faded, likely due to her own social anxiety.

Instead of feeling sorry for herself, she spent hours and hours observing them and capturing them on canvas.

She spent her time and energy noticing them. She really looked. She painted her subjects with kindness and I would say, love.

She wanted to connect with them again, and she did it by breaking through the boundaries she had in her mind about reconnection.

It's rare to be noticed and really seen these days. Heads are often down, looking at screens while waiting for the next train, plane or doctor's appointments.

Molly said something interesting, though, about her realization that most people don't really think about you at all. So she decided to think about them, and show them the beauty of what she saw.

A moment is all it takes to make someone's day by simply noticing them, being curious about what you see, and connecting with them.

That's a boundary worth breaking, and I'm going to try and break it more often.

Solve Your Problems Fast: The Solution is Often Within Reach

A few weeks ago, I was in a large natural foods grocery store stopping in to get a salad from their salad bar. I like using salad bars, since I am on a pretty restricted diet due to an autoimmune issue I'm trying to clear up.

After I made my salad, I noticed that the olive oil bottle was empty. So I found a person behind the counter in the prepared foods area and asked if they could re-filll the bottle.

I was told, "No, we're out".

"But this is a grocery store," I said, "and I know there are around 60 or 70 bottles of olive oil right over there in that aisle," I pointed, trying not to get pissed off.

She looked at me blankly, and shrugged.

I don't eat prepared salad dressings because they are filled with seed oils.

So, as I was walking over to the check out counter to pay for my dry salad, she passed me on the way to the cash register with a bottle of olive oil in her hands.

She didn't say a word. Oh, she made eye contact with me, but kept on trucking.

Today, I was in a large natural foods grocery store in Greensboro, NC, looking forward to their salad bar for a late lunch.

I looked over their offerings, and noticed there was no protein on the salad bar other than some dried out looking egg halves and some bacon bits.

"Where's the meat?" I wondered.

I went over to the prepared foods counter and asked a young woman behind the counter why there wasn't any protein other than old eggs and bacon bits on their enormous salad bar.

She said, "Let me go see what you're talking about."

She went over, stated that there was no meat, and that she guessed they were out.

"But...this is a grocery store. You have meat all over the place!" I replied, feeling my heart race and thinking that this apathetic attitude in solving problems quickly is no longer an anomaly.

She shrugged and walked away.

I asked to talk to the prepared foods manager. He came over and I asked him why there wasn't any meat on the salad bar, and he told me that they were having issues with a supplier.

"But, I see meat all over the place. Until the issue is figured out, can't you guys step up and put some non-salad bar meat on the bar?"

He looked at me blankly, smiled, and that was that.

I understand that they might lose some profit, maybe...but what they lost is a satisfied customer.

All I eat when I go out is salad bars.

I found another salad bar this afternoon at a local co-op called Deep Roots in Greensboro.

Their salad bar is small, but well stocked.

There was a handmade sign stating that their vegan curry salad was homemade just today.

And they had shredded chicken on the bar, along with other tasty morsels.

I could tell the people that work there care about their job, their performance and solving problems so that the customer isn't going to be impacted by whatever is going on in the back.

If I'm ever in Greensboro again, Deep Roots is where I will spend my money.

When I'm home, I choose my local co-op instead of bigger name grocery stores when I need a salad bar fix. Their bar is always stocked, and there's meat readily available, along with olive oil.

The bigger picture other than I was pissed is this:

Often, the solution to a problem is staring you in the face. I've found that the solution to most problems are within reach--sometimes just an aisle or two over.

And please support your local Co-op! The stores I've visited around the country are usually top notch!